Hi, I'm Blake. my big project is a tower defence game called 'Forgive Me My Henchmen'. you play as a typical head 'bad guy', deploying henchmen and sabotaging a building to delay an unstoppable one-man army.
I try to avoid complaining in life, and therefore in this blog entry, I won't complain about my laptop - rather I will objectively explain why my laptop is evil.
When I bought it a few years ago, it was fine. Granted, typing was a bit tough - a mere tapping of the keyboard keys wouldn't register (keys had to be tapped with the force of a falling hippopotamus) but that isn't worth complaining about. On the contrary, I think it has been a positive thing - I now have a grip strength that can crush skulls. If that was the only one of my laptop's quirks, I would have no problem with it.
Unfortunately, my laptop has more quirks than an antagonist's wacky sidekick - I will start by talking about the battery, which is perhaps the main cause of my woes.
My battery first decided to start systematically destroying my soul on a fair summer's day. I remember it was plugged in, and the power was on, but it wasn't charging. "Hmm", I thought. I decided to check the connections and when I tapped the 'thingamajig' (the thing that actually plugs into the laptop) it suddenly started charging again. "Glory Be!" I said to myself, and then continued to use the laptop without issues. It didn't happen again for another week. This time, it took a few more adjustments to fix, but much like Rambo, I overcame the problem at hand and progressed forward. Little did I know what this problem would one day evolve into. Getting my laptop to charge these days involves props, luck, and the thingamajig to enter into the port with an x offset of 3 and a y offset of 2.67 degrees. Even then, it will only charge - sporadically - when the lid is closed. Using a closed laptop is immeasurably difficult.
According to Chaos Theory, the flap of a butterfly's wings in Brazil may cause a Tornado in Texas. It has made me think that maybe there is a butterfly on the other side of the world, and every time its wings flap, it creates a chain reaction throughout space and time that eventually disrupts the impossibly fragile connection of my thingamajig. Fuck you butterfly.
I use a mouse with my laptop; I have no choice. My mouse - much like the Dark Tower - keeps a whole plethora of evils I don't fully understand at bay. As soon as I unplug the mouse, the cursor starts bouncing around the screen, clicking on everything. It right clicks, it left clicks. When it first happened, I tried grappling with it using my mousepad. We fought each other for control: I dragged left, the cursor resisted right, and eventually I was clicking on folders I didn't even know I had, and my laptop, through its random clicking chaos, was choosing what to do with them. I mourn all the files that got deleted and misplaced that day. May they rest in peace.
Sometimes, my laptop will run completely normally. No battery issues, no spastic mouse movements - it acts just like one would expect a laptop to act. But I think it does this just to lull me into a false sense of security. As soon as I am learning to trust it again, the mouse starts thrashing around deleting my files, and the battery light starts flashing on and off to the beat of a dubstep song. I hate this laptop because it chooses to give me hope...then crushes it.
Even on its best day though, it is ssllloooooooooow. To test the changes of my game, I have to run it, and wait for assets/sprites/etc to load. Apparently, this isn't a process that is supposed to take millennia. I have watched youtube tutorials where someone will click 'play' to load their game and a few seconds later, it plays! It's incredible! I, on the other hand, click 'play' then have time to do something else for awhile, albeit it get a sandwich, have a bath, begin and complete an undergraduate degree, cycle around a continent, dig a hole to China...I was a young man when I first clicked 'play'. Oh, to be young again.
Anyway, the whole point of this story is to inform you of how evil my laptop is, and therefore, as I unveil what my plans are, I don't seem unstable or deranged:
When my game is launched, if it does well, I am going to use the money to buy a new laptop, and then I'm going to destroy this one with a sledgehammer. That's right, a fucking sledgehammer, I am going to sledgehammer the shit out of this thing.
I can’t wait to say ‘Stop! Sledgehammer time! OOOoo OOOoo OOOOoo OOO!
I’m a simple man with simple motivations, and it is Sledgehammer time, readers, which is motivating me to make the best game I possibly can.
Fuck this laptop piece of shit.
Follow the game’s development on twitter @FMMHenchmen, or follow me @BlakeMcDeezy.