I promised myself I wouldn’t just write during the good times...
The temptation to do so is there because it builds positive association with oneself, one’s game, and one’s brand. Who doesn’t want that? However, the drawback of doing so - and what would irk me - is that my blog would have a degree of inauthenticity, or rather ‘incompleteness’. All things considered, I think this blog can potentially have a lot more value to others - and likely even be more entertaining - if I choose to write about my entire experience, not just a cross-section that I pick and choose.
I’ve been trying hard to increase my PR. I use two social media sites: facebook and twitter, and post using a whole bunch of hashtags. It’s been fun, and I’ve got a few followers and likes out of it, but the truth is, with all my work, I have about 60 twitter followers and my game has 10. Holy fucking shit. Even twitter accounts like 'Bot45, I posted once back in 2011' have way more followers than this...
Seeing the results compared to the work I’m putting in makes me feel I don’t have a chance...more importantly, I don’t know what to change at the moment to make this happen. I am not admitting defeat, I am just saying that I’m fucking clueless at the moment. Fucking clueless.
A few years ago, I created a game called 89 Doors and upon publication, I realized it was okay if it didn’t make a splash (which it didn’t). It was a learning experience, and I had a ton of fun with it. If, however, Forgive Me My Henchmen launches and doesn’t make a splash...can I live with it? The truth is, no, I can’t. Game dev - although brutal - is the first thing I found in my life (work-wise) that made me feel like I was doing what I was meant to be doing. I think it is what I am best at, and as such, likely the area in the world that I can offer the most value. If this game doesn’t work out, I will have to walk away from this field for practical reasons...and what happens after that?
I can’t express through words how much it tears me up inside.
This may sound more dramatic than it is...I’m not saying that I’m nothing without game dev, or that life is not worth living - I am just saying that it would take me back to square one, and I just don’t know who I’d become as a result.I feel like I’d be losing perhaps the best part of myself, and the part that dreams.
Anyway, I needed to write this...more for me than anyone else. Even as I was writing this, another part of me was looking at it rationally, noticing how dramatic I was/am being. This same part was coming up with solutions, finding a way forward, and not using such ‘black and white’ thinking. That being said, I knew I needed to express my doubts / worries / fears fully, in all their insanity, because if I didn’t, these feelings kinda lurk in the background. Expressing these feelings without reservations is how I go about making sure I am no longer overwhelmed by them, and is the first stage I need to go through before I can ‘integrate’ these feelings, and then begin to heal and/or move forward.
Anyway, that’s it for now. This will be the first day I haven’t done any game dev in awhile, but that’s okay - I think I needed a break.